Last week I had a genuinely fine day. Nothing broke, nobody was upset with me, no inbox disaster, no “we need to talk” text. And by 6pm I caught myself thinking, quite seriously, “okay, what am I forgetting.”
Nothing. I wasn’t forgetting anything. I just didn’t know what to do with a day that wasn’t asking anything of me.
I think a lot of us are like this and don’t really clock it until it’s pointed out. We spend so much of our time in some version of “waiting for the other shoe to drop” that when the shoe just… doesn’t drop, we get restless instead of relieved.
It’s not that we enjoy stress. Nobody’s out here rooting for bad news. But bracing for it becomes such a habit that when there’s nothing to brace against, something feels off. Like standing on a moving walkway that’s stopped moving. You still lean forward out of muscle memory.
Part of it is just that bracing has worked for us before. You expect the worst, and when the worst doesn’t happen, you feel like you dodged something, even prepared for it. When it does happen, at least you saw it coming. Either way bracing pays out. So the brain keeps doing it, because why would it stop doing the thing that keeps working. It doesn’t really occur to it to ask “but what if there’s nothing to brace for right now.”
You can see this in small, dumb ways if you pay attention. Someone takes a while to reply to a text and your stomach does a little dip before your brain even finishes the thought “they’re probably just busy.” The dip comes first. The reasonable explanation shows up late, almost apologetically, after the damage is done. That’s not you being dramatic, that’s just the system doing its job a little too early, a little too often.
And it’s not only about disaster-proofing the big stuff either. It shows up in tiny ways like double-checking a sent email for the third time, replaying a totally normal conversation for hours, packing three backup chargers for a two-hour flight. None of that is really about the email or the flight. It’s the mind keeping itself occupied, staying “useful,” because an idle brain apparently feels riskier to it than an overworked one.
Here’s the part I find kind of funny in hindsight: the brain is actually not that good at clocking safety. It’ll spot a threat from a mile away, no training required, that’s basically day-one wiring. But “everything is fine” doesn’t come with the same alarm system. It’s not a signal, it’s an absence of signal, and absence doesn’t really register as anything. You have to sort of consciously go “oh wait, this is good, I should just let this be good” which is a weirdly effortful thing to do for something that’s supposed to feel effortless.
There’s almost no vocabulary for it either, if you think about it. We’ve got a hundred words for different flavors of stress like overwhelmed, frazzled, on edge, spiraling. Ask someone to describe calm, though, and most people just shrug and say “good, I guess.” Peace doesn’t have texture the way anxiety does. It’s just quiet. And quiet, to a mind trained on noise, can start to feel like something’s missing rather than something’s working.
So what happens instead, at least for me, is I go looking for a problem. Not on purpose. I’ll reread a message for a tone that almost certainly wasn’t there. Or remember some small thing from months ago and decide it needs sorting out right now, this evening, no particular reason. Give me a free hour with nothing pressing and I will, apparently, invent something pressing. It’s less “main character self-sabotage” and more like a dog with nothing to chase running in circles instead.
Sometimes it’s subtler than manufacturing a crisis, it’s just refusing to fully sit in the good moment. You’re on a nice trip and you catch yourself thinking about the flight back before you’ve even unpacked. You get good news and immediately start bracing for the catch. It’s not that you don’t believe the good thing is real, it’s more that some part of you doesn’t trust it to stay real, so it keeps one foot out the door just in case.
I don’t think there’s a clean fix for this, and I’d be suspicious of anyone who said there was. But naming it helps a bit. When I catch myself doing the thing like turning a calm evening into a manufactured emergency, I try to just say to myself, out loud sometimes, “there’s nothing wrong right now.” Not in a mantra-y way. More like pointing at it and going, yeah, I see what you’re doing.
And then, if I can manage it, I let the evening stay boring. Let the peace be peace without making it earn its keep or prove it’s not a trick. It’s allowed to just be a Tuesday where nothing happens.
Still feels a little suspicious though. I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t.
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Fascinating post on coping with life, Ritish!
"coping with life" might honestly be the more accurate title. Thanks Dittmer.
😍
In a chaotic world, we learn to expect chaos. I have this issue sometimes at night when I have trouble turning off my brain, thinking of all of the things I have to do. Writing them down gives me permission to fall asleep.
I dont know but that feels like a good habit honestly. There's something about getting it all out of your head and onto paper. I do the same thing now, wish I'd started years earlier.
Thanks Pete.
My therapist had once mentioned that I am so used to chaos and reacting exactly to chaos that the non-chaotic version is scary for it is unknown and never lived. But unknown shouldn't always be scary is what I tell myself and yes penning down the thoughts gives us the vision to look at the perceived threats more subjectively.
walking onwards knowing my Saviour walks with me is my solution. He is willing that ALL may journey onwards with HIM.
That's a beautiful way to hold it, Faye. Thanks for sharing that 🩷
I was watching a video recently where the presenter explains how the brain cannot identify between real and imagination and our mind is always imagining things, the future which is mostly built upon perceptions of the past and mostly the negative ones. We have been programmed to protect ourselves, the caveman theory and perceive everything as a threat. It is hard to let go of this genetic disposition but it is also easy to train the mind to think that we are safe. I have been trying that and notice subtle changes than otherwise spiraling down into the abyss of thinking. Again, easier said than done for the mind is one hell of a character :)
Well, not gonna lie 🙂 I’ve caught myself doing exactly this. Taking something completely normal and somehow turning it into a whole imaginary disaster. And I agree, it’s hard to fight that instinct, but even noticing when you’re spiraling probably makes a bigger difference than we realise. Thanks for sharing this
Ritish, I have seldom read anything that so accurately describe this type of self-sabotage, though I suspect most people have experienced it. I sometimes find myself anxiously rereading an email that has already been sent. A racing mind often begins the moment I lie down. Second-guessing myself is also frequent. Thanks for addressing this topic and for your helpful advice. 💕
I know that one way too well 😂 And then somehow your brain finds a completely new problem to worry about when you’re finally trying to sleep. I’m really glad this resonated with you, Cheryl. Thank you for sharing this
Okay, interesting blog post Ritish brother. I like how your mind thinks and the way you write thoughtful blog posts, I have not read any of your work this year, glad you still blogging man. Back to this post, I myself have days where I just have to sit and wait and as people we must not expect bad, people really like bad things instead of good and I wonder why, just let life go with the flow. Its a Tuesday here in ESWATINI, AFRICA my brother and this blog was published on Tuesday in August, haha what a funny thing.
Hello Mthobisi, good to hear from you, been way too long. Appreciate you saying that about the writing honestly. I’ve been a bit all over the place with the blogging this year, but I’m still here. You're onto something real too, people do seem drawn to expecting the worst, maybe it's easier to brace for bad than trust good, I don't know. Anyway glad this one found you all the way in Eswatini, that's honestly the best part of blogging. Take care man, don't be a stranger 🙏